Tyra Banks Redefines Beauty

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   While watching CNN and MSNBC I watched in horror as Tyra Banks had to defend herself from having packed on “60 pounds” (she contends that it was more like 10 or 20). She then had the unmitigated gall to state that she “enjoyed” eating, and stated that since she is no longer modeling, she is no longer watching her weight, like she did while a supermodel. Iraq, immigration reform, Darfur, Iran, North Korea, “Scooter” Libby’s relationship with Dick Cheney and Karl Rove be damned, this is an important story. When the woman who graced the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (twice, in consecutive issues), as well as the Victoria Secret catalogue (the closest thing to female approved porn there is) has gained 60 pounds, or even 10-20 pounds, this is cause for alarm.

   How dare she destroy society’s view of what beauty is by not being anorexic or bulimic? How dare she put Madison Avenue in peril by being her own person? How dare she imply that a person’s outside appearance is of only marginal importance? Think of the damage she’s doing to Jenny Craig®. How about Lilpozene®, “that showed through a double blind study, at a major university (I’m sure that not naming the university was merely an oversight), that it successfully reduced body fat, while not changing your lifestyle (I’m sure that the small print at the bottom of the ad is irrelevant)?” How about Fen-Fen—oh, that’s right it causes heart damage. What about Cosmopolitan and Vogue and Woman’s Day and Prevention and The National Enquirer and Star…

   What stories will they have left? You can only print so many stories about what sexual secrets that your man has, what your man secretly wants in bed (sleep?), how to please your man, what to cook for your man, how to sew for your man, what TV programs your man prefers, what your man wishes you knew, what your man’s body language is saying, how your man wishes you’d stop taking those stupid surveys to figure out what is wrong with you, your man, or your relationship.

   Think of the effects to our economy that Tyra’s irresponsibility can have. Men, the country over, have carefully computed how much a date will cost; 20 to 30 dollars for him (minimum), 5-10 for her (maximum, not including drinks)—will find themselves at a loss when she orders the steak and lobster AND dessert, leaving men with only enough cash to order the grilled cheese sandwich (possibly a drink as well, if it is nonalcoholic). Our capitalist system may well be facing a disaster worse than the Great Depression. If you are an investor I would advise you to put all your money into canned goods and shotguns. (Okay, I stole that line from Gremlins II.)

   This is also a threat to the tried and true tradition of male domination. Haven’t men already given women the right to vote? Our attempt at keeping a glass ceiling is giving way, but holding. What will this do to it? I’ve even noted that UAM has some female employees. I’ve had some classes where I’ve had female professors, so they’ve managed to break free of K-12 grades.  Now they may not subscribe to what it takes to make their man satisfied.

   Based on the attention given to Tyra Banks, Kirstie Alley, Anna Nicole Smith, as well as to the articles featured in Cosmo, etc. this is an overriding issue that America (read male dominance) feels the need to fight for. Our economy, social structure, possibly global warming—sorry, global climate change--the very fabric of America is in perilous danger, because a woman has chosen (well, she didn’t really choose to, since pictures of her in a one piece bathing suit were published in the National Inquirer, but the results could well be the same) to use her influence to thrust our great country into anarchy. Now people may possibly choose to think for themselves, regardless of Madison Avenue. A country where people follow their own morals, values, and beliefs, in spite of being told by advertising, traditions, religious leaders, and the government, what to think. Imagine a country where people make up their own minds. What a bummer.