Chaos Reigns on Monticello Streets

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   Driving in Monticello can be confusing. There are so many traffic laws; it's hard to keep up with all of them. As a service to the campus and community, I offer these helpful driving tips I've observed while on the road:

   First, you should remember the size of your vehicle determines the right of way. If your sport utility vehicle or truck is bigger than the other cars on the road, haul ass! Everyone knows that stop-and-go driving wears down your engine, so when you come to a stop sign – ignore it. Sure, there may be other vehicles, but as long as you are bigger than they are, the law is on your side.

   Driving, itself, can become boring and tedious. I suggest calling a friend so you can chat with them during your drive. Always pay more attention to them than the road so they will know how special they are. A long drive is also the perfect time to put on makeup, yell at your children (who should not be constrained in anything as inhumane as a car seat) or eat that fast food you bought.

   While driving on campus, it is imperative to remember how insignificant pedestrians are. Do NOT, under any circumstances, stop for them, in a crosswalk or otherwise. It only shows weakness, and if they are too poor to afford a car, let them suffer. Also, the size rule applies to people as well. Since your car is obviously bigger, you have the right of way.

   While there are several signs around campus suggesting speed limits, I say ignore them. You pay tuition, therefore you should decide how fast you should go. Anywhere from 6 to 60 miles an hour – it's all up to you.

   Finally, never use your blinker. It will only attract unwanted attention from cops and hooligans. It's like advertising where you are going to go, and that's dangerous.

   If you follow these rules, our roads will continue to be the ordered and safe places to drive they are now. If not, then you are just selling out to the "man" and his traffic laws.

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