Chaos Reigns on
Arts & Entertainment Editor
Monticello can be confusing. There are so many traffic laws; it's hard to
keep up with all of them. As a service to the campus and community, I offer
these helpful driving tips I've observed while on the road:
First, you should remember the size of your vehicle determines the
right of way. If your sport utility vehicle or truck is bigger than the
other cars on the road, haul ass! Everyone knows that stop-and-go driving
wears down your engine, so when you come to a stop sign – ignore it. Sure,
there may be other vehicles, but as long as you are bigger than they are,
the law is on your side.
Driving, itself, can become boring and tedious. I suggest calling a
friend so you can chat with them during your drive. Always pay more
attention to them than the road so they will know how special they are. A
long drive is also the perfect time to put on makeup, yell at your children
(who should not be constrained in anything as inhumane as a car seat) or eat
that fast food you bought.
While driving on campus, it is imperative to remember how
insignificant pedestrians are. Do NOT, under any circumstances, stop for
them, in a crosswalk or otherwise. It only shows weakness, and if they are
too poor to afford a car, let them suffer. Also, the size rule applies to
people as well. Since your car is obviously bigger, you have the right of
While there are several signs around campus suggesting speed
limits, I say ignore them. You pay tuition, therefore you should decide how
fast you should go. Anywhere from 6 to 60 miles an hour – it's all up
Finally, never use your blinker. It will only attract unwanted
attention from cops and hooligans. It's like advertising where you are going
to go, and that's dangerous.
If you follow these rules, our roads will continue to be the
ordered and safe places to drive they are now. If not, then you are just
selling out to the "man" and his traffic laws.
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